Ten years ago, William died in a drowning accident. He was a precious brother, one of our lay staff, and only 25 when he died. That day, I learned a new shade of meaning to the word “drown.” I realized that if you really resist it, you can drive a mental wedge between the word “drown” and the word “dead.” He might have drowned, but he’s still alive, I insisted during the long drive up to Shasta to comfort the students who had been with William. They had all been huddled away, crying and confused, to a nearby Christian camp. What I said to them, how I received the parents at the small airport near Shasta where I picked them up to go to the morgue to view the body that had just been recovered by the divers, what words of condolence and apology I muttered to them, what messages I gave back at church to an auditorium full of weeping, and bewildered people … it’s all really a blur. I don’t think there has been a stretch of 10 days in the past 10 years when I did not have some sharp, painful thought of William and his death, if only because every time some group goes on a trip to the mountains or to the oceans, pangs of pain and panic strike me.
I loved William dearly. I was intensely proud of him as a young man who had changed and matured in the Lord so much since his undergrad days. He had a huge impact on the younger men he led at our church, and an even greater impact through his death, as we all vowed to live out our commitment to the Lord with double measure of zeal to make up for what William would have wanted to do.
As people usually say of such periods, I don’t know how I got through that time. My wife, Kelly, recounted recently at our Gracepoint Monthly some of the ways God sustained us during that time. Here are some excerpts from her sharing.
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I want to share with you how God carried me during one of the most difficult times of my life. Exactly 10 years ago, William Lee died in a drowning accident on July 4th. I still remember getting a page that William drowned. “What do you mean he drowned? This must be a mistake. I just saw him two days ago leaving from the San Leandro parking lot with the rest of his group to Mount Shasta. How could this be?” That day started with a nice breakfast with a group of guys at my house and now my life was falling apart before my eyes.
We alerted the entire church and we all gathered at the church building, just crying out to God to do a miracle, and bring him back to life. I was still not giving up the idea that William is alive. I just cried out to God. I didn’t know what else to do. Ed drove up with Tony and others to Mount Shasta to get the body as well as to minister to the group who went up with him. We contacted his brother and his parents and they flew up the next morning. The parents were angry at us and the church. I didn’t know what else to do but to apologize to them. Although I was not responsible for his death, I felt so sorry to them. And then there were some who said that he died because of our arrogance and therefore we should repent. I regretted the day when we committed to go into full time ministry. I just wanted to die.
The days ensuing were like a long nightmare. I still could not accept the fact that William was dead. I had so many regrets. I felt the world was so unsafe. I felt so dark thinking that I could not protect anyone that I love from death. DEATH was so cruel. I looked at everyone that I love in my life – my husband, my children, my friends, the people in this church, etc. I was overcome with sadness that there isn’t anything I can do to protect them from death as death can suddenly take them away from my life and that they will be no more…… Sure, I will see them in heaven but the days here on earth seem to be too long to bear without them. Although our house was full of people day and night preparing for the funeral and getting the scrapbook ready for his parents, during the moments when I was alone, I would breakdown and cry.
How did I get through that period? I want to share with you how God led me and sustained me during that time with His Word.
On June 20th, William’s birthday, William gave a bible study to his small group on 2 Timothy 2:8-19. His bible study focused on v.15 which says: “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.” More than a bible study, it was a personal testimony of how he strived to become that approved workman for God. As if to prepare for his own death, he talked a lot about heaven and whether or not we wait for it with anticipation like Apostle Paul.
On the day of his death, July 4th 1997, the DT passage for the day was on 2 Timothy 2, the same passage that, on his birthday, he had given a bible study on. It’s as if God had prepared him for this day and in the midst of our sorrow, we were amazed by the uncanny timing of God’s Word. With the DT on that passage, it was as if God was confirming to us that William was that approved workman for God.
On July 7th, 1997, several days after his death, the DT was on 2 Timothy 4:1-8. Verses 7 and 8 – “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day.” – was such a fitting passage as we really felt that he ran his race hard holding nothing back. I also remember how verse 5 spoke to me so personally that day – “But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.” I felt like William was saying this to me personally: “You, Kelly SMN, keep your head in all situations.” It was such a timely exhortation as I needed to minister to so many people in the midst of my own grief, sense of loss and despair.
During the days immediately after this death, I often sang the words of his favorite hymn “Abide with me” to relieve the pain that I felt clinging unto the truth that He was now with the Lord. As I thought about his last moments before death, the last verse of this song particularly ministered to me:
Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes
Shine though the gloom and point me to the skies
Heaven’s morning breaks and earth’s vain shadow flee
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.
I imagined William peacefully accepting what was happening as he fixed his eyes on heaven.
Several days after his death, as we finished the DT in 2 Timothy, the DT text unexpectedly turned to the middle of Isaiah on July 9th. This was the day that William’s body was released and was sent to the mortuary where his funeral was to be held. Even until that time, I was still clinging unto some hope that all of this was just a bad dream. Or, that God would bring him back to life. Jesus raised the son of the widow at Nain. Surely, he can bring William back to us. After his body was put into the coffin, the reality of his death really hit me. The DT was on Isaiah 40 starting with verse 1 saying “Comfort, comfort my people.” I cannot describe how I felt when I opened the bible to the DT text that day. These were such exact words of comfort. All I could do was cry. As I read on, God was reminding me that His words will last forever and that He is my Shepherd who will gently led me through this difficult time.
1. Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.
2. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the LORD’s hand double for all her sins.
3. A voice of one calling: “In the desert prepare the way for the LORD ; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God.
4. Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain.
5. And the glory of the LORD will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it. For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”
6. A voice says, “Cry out.” And I said, “What shall I cry?” “All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.
7. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the LORD blows on them. Surely the people are grass.
8. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.”
9. You who bring good tidings to Zion, go up on a high mountain. You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem, lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid; say to the towns of Judah, “Here is your God!”
10. See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power, and his arm rules for him. See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him.
11. He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.
These were words of my Heavenly Father who knew exactly what His child was going through. After William’s death, I was full of fear and doom. The world seemed so insecure, unstable and hostile. I felt so vulnerable, even about things like driving. I felt anxious about all the people that I loved in my life. God was confirming the truth of all that I felt about the frailty of this world in verse 6: “All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.” But he was also reassuring me that God’s Word will stand and that He is my shepherd who will not allow me to face anything alone in this life. Even though I can’t see it, God will provide strength and healing in my life and that ultimately God can save us in the face of inevitable death. He also reminded me that in this insecure world, all I could do is to place my trust in my Good Shepherd.
Although it was such a painful time, there were permanent lessons that were etched in my heart as a result of William’s death and I still find myself allowing these lessons to reorganize and re-prioritize my life.
That death hits all age. I think William’s death was especially shocking because we are a church full of young people. We are so easily deceived into thinking that we can secure for ourselves a wonderful future. But after William’s death, we all became a little bit more realistic about this world – insecure and uncertain. The fact is: nothing is secure. The only solid foundation is Jesus Christ.
That there is not enough time to love. Who would’ve predicted that William would be gone at the age of 25? If we had known, we would’ve definitely lived differently. We would’ve loved him more. We would’ve appreciated him more. We would’ve given him more of our time for whatever needs he had in his life. We would’ve listened to him more. We would’ve tried to have more meals together with him. We would’ve… The list goes on and on. So many regrets. I painfully remember the last time he visited my house before he passed away. He had just returned from Korea and was very happy to be back. I was in the middle of taking care of something and I remember not being 100% there in listening to his stories. I still remember that scene. As I minister to others now, these are things that I often think about.
That God’s love assures us of heaven. Everything about me was fighting the fact that I could not see him any more. Love cannot accept separation of any sort. Love necessarily demands eternity. Love is timeless. There was an outrageous sense of being cheated as someone I love was taken away. There has to be heaven because of God’s love. Just as God’s love would not allow death to claim His beloved son forever, His love will usher us home to eternity where I will finally see my Jesus face to face along with all those who have gone ahead of me. Oh, how William’s death increased my longing for heaven
That what’s important is not how long I live but how I live. What do people remember of William? He was a very accomplished young man. Masters degree in Architecture and Structural Engineering from UC Berkeley, accomplished violinist, good singer, athlete, jack of all trades… I thought if that were all we had to remember him by, how sad that would have been. His funeral would not have been such a blessed service with so many people genuinely mourning his absence. If all that we could remember and honor about his life were these worldly accomplishments, what meaning or inspiration can his life have for us? But his life was full of testimonies of people whose lives were eternally changed because of his love, his servanthood, his single-minded devotion to God. I think he made more impact on people during his short 25 years of life than people twice or three times his age. Jesus’ ministry only lasted three years and He died at the young age of 33. What’s important is not how long I live but how I live. William was a treasure. He had a disdain for what the world had to offer. He did not live enslaved by his grades. He knew clearly why he was living. He was completely consecrated to God. Although he died at the tender age of 25, his life was fully spent in loving God and loving people. His life reminds me of the 5 loaves that were broken to feed the multitudes. He literally spent his life feeding others – physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Why were so many affected by his death? Because he was a changed person in Christ. I knew William from his freshmen year in college. He was selfish, possessive of his gadgets, and he always needed to have everything perfect for himself. He was one of these guys who did not allow anything to interfere with his personal agendas. He had his life carefully planned out in his organizer and he was single-minded for his selfish goals. As you can guess, he was not one of the favorites among his friends. Many of his peers had problems with him because of his selfishness. The turning point for him was the first year after college when he was serving with us as one of the college staff. There was one time when he was harshly rebuked for his selfishness. Afterwards, he packed up his bags and his Bible and disappeared for three days. During that time, he read the entire New Testament underlining all the verses that convicted him of his sins while fasting and praying. After that retreat, he came back as a changed person bearing the fruit of repentance in every aspect of his life. His life truly demonstrated the power of the Gospel to transform.
The inscription on his epitaph “A workman approved by God” is a fitting description. He used to sign off each email with the phrase “servant of all”. After his finals, he would send out an email asking people if he could do anything for anyone. It was as if he had been waiting for the finals to be over so that he can freely serve people. He was indeed a servant. He brought from his home an old pickup truck so that he can help people move; he carried around a toolset so that he can be available to fix things for people at any time; he built more than 60 bunk beds for younger brothers and sisters which we found out only after his death as hundreds of people shared how their lives were touched by William. He had a very rigorous schedule for his graduate work and yet he was always available to help anyone in need. It was to the point where we had to constantly urge him to slow down so that he can get his graduate work done. Even so, it was clear to everyone that his priority was people and everything else secondary. It was only after his death that we found out how many people he had helped, served and ministered to. Even we, his leaders, did not know to what extent he was giving all of himself.
He lived daily as a faithful servant. He did not defer obedience. His life reminds me of Jim Elliot’s quote: “You should live each day as if this is your last day. When you die, you should have nothing left to do except to die.”
During the days following William’s death, I spent hours and hours reading through his DT notebooks and journals. I wanted to memorialize some of his writings in the scrapbook that we were making for his parents, along with all the testimonies that people wrote about William. Her are some of his quotes:
3/28/95 – I see now that this world will always entail suffering and that it is far too uncertain to build a home and count on enjoying it. However, it is a perfect place to find God. God will be the one I will spend eternity with.
11/2/96 – Intimate relationship with God is what heaven is all about… I can enjoy heaven right now! It doesn’t matter what circumstances I am in as long as God is by my side.
1/11/97 – I must fix my eyes on spiritual things, not on the worldly comforts around me, because my destination is the bosom of God which is greater by far than any kind of comfort that this world can offer.
4/5/95 – My disobedience limits my witness to mere words. I must expect persecution for my faith and persevere, knowing that comfort in this world is not anywhere near the glory in heaven.
William was so heaven-bound that one of his friends described him in this way:
Grounded upon humility, you ran, you ran to the truth of love.
You relentlessly ran far, far ahead.
Well, where else can you go with that pure ambition for love but to heaven.
There is no other place to go.
There is no more to run when you ran to God, who is love.
Since William’s death, I realized how fear is the greatest slave-master. I don’t think I ever thought of myself as a fearful person. But being older and having gone through something as traumatic as William’s death has caused me to deal with the issue of fear much more head on and TRUSTING GOD has become that much more real in my life. As I look back now after 10 years, I see that God indeed has been my trustworthy shepherd through the good times and bad times. Having experienced how God led me during the toughest few weeks of my life, I can trust Him to continue to “tend his flock like a shepherd.”
– Pastor Ed Kang
The reason that I am in America, having met Jesus here, and serving as a pastor and NOT in North Korea, serving as who-knows-what, is that Matthew’s grandfather (see the story), and his friends answered the call of duty all those years ago, about a decade before I was born.
